No Regrets

Yes... No Regrets.  I've always said that.

I want to live my life to the fullest and not have any regrets.  I have absolutely no regrets about the choices I've made; no regrets about the things I say and the things I do.  But...

Perhaps it's not entirely true... the no regrets thing.   Because I definitely do have one.

I got the call today.  The call I'd been waiting for, for a long, long time. The call that told me that my Dad had died.  I can't say it was a shock.  As I said, I'd been expecting it.  I still can't believe he lasted as long as he did... and I find it so hard to reconcile with the fact that Mum went first.  I guess I'm feeling kind of numb. 

My one big regret is, that I was never able to get to know my Dad.  I mean really know him... on a deep personal level, to have had long meaningful conversations with this person who was my father.  The person my Mum fell for... there must have been something deeper there once.  I told her how I felt a few years ago and was shocked at her response.  She said, to be perfectly honest, there really wasn't that much more to know.  And I found it profoundly sad.

I can't say we had a troubled relationship... no major battles or anything.  At least once I'd left home. It was just a sort of nothing relationship really.  It puts it into perspective when I think about trying to buy a birthday card for him.  It was always hard.  If it mentioned all the usual "Thanks so much for everything you've done for me" "for your wisdom, support, advice... help",  Well, it wouldn't make the cut. 

Maybe it's because we all got so much from Mum... there was nothing left for him to give. 

And now he's gone.